You all know the story of the birth of Jesus? Screeeeeeeech! Halt!Stop! WhatifJesuswereborntoday? And... What if he were born...
"American"?
The peaceful Nativity scene of which we celebrate and are familiar, would be much different, as over 2000 years have passed since that time. Let's take a humorous look at what Jesus may experience, had he been born in today's America.
First of all, yo, everybody just chill.
The new North Star
Mary and Joseph, would notwalk 90 miles to their destination, yo. They will hop in their SUV, yo, and map out the delivery location on the dashboard GPS, yo. For entertainment, they will put in a DVD to watch for the trip, yo. The star that they are following is the Satellite from which they gathered their GPS coordinates.
Mary will have already stretched during yoga, and sipped a chia-fruit smoothie blended with Greek yogart, wheat grass and kale. Her freshly manicured fingernails will be sporting new baby blue colored tips. From her epic Coach bag, she will pull out her iphone, to text her family and friends that the time has come! She is so excited, she is not exactly sure whatemoji she will use!
Today, Mary will have a multitude of options for a natural birth, and she is considering all of the options...The Alexander Technique, the Bradley Method, Water Delivery, Lamaze or even hypnosis during labor for total relaxation.... You may ask yourself, WWMD? What would Mary do?
Meanwhile...back at the ranch....
...Joseph, a cool dude and carpenter by trade, will be standing by wearing a heavy-duty tool belt made by DeWalt, with a titanium stiletto rip claw hammer hanging on a loop of one side, and the various pockets would be filled with a measuring tape, plumb-bob, screwdrivers, nails, pliers and only God knows what else.
Since Jesus is being born in the United States, the lambs present at the original birth are now replaced by the ever popular Golden Labrador Retriever, with tongues a-hangin' and tails a-waggin'.
The angels you hear singing are Adele, Taylor Swift, Rhianna or Katy Perry pumped from portable MP3 speakers.
Who would you choose to be the Wisemen?
Stephen Hawking, Edward Witten, and Andrew Wiles, via Skype?
.... or perhaps some of you would prefer gentlemen like these? What-ever, Dude.
The Shepard's will be at the ready, with their smart phones, ipads and Kindle's, to film the birth and then, share it on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. All of which will go viral on YouTube in a matter of moments. It will be tumbl'ed and pinned, snapped, chatted, emailed, 1'd and +'d.
Soon, thereafter, there will be an app for that, found in a cloud.
Disclaimer: The above content is intended for entertainment, only and has no bearing on my own religion, faith or intention.
"Krampus is a beast-like creature from the folklore of Alpine countries thought to punish children during the Christmas season who had misbehaved, in contrast with Saint Nicholas, who rewards well-behaved ones with gifts. Krampus is said to capture particularly naughty children and drag them off into the black forest." -wiki
Carrying on an old tradition, pictured here are two men dressed up as Krampus and St. Nick.
Notice St. Nicholas in the window as Krampus arrives at the door.
This image would be particularly offensive in America, today.
"Krampus isn't exactly the stuff of dreams: Bearing horns, dark hair, and fangs, the anti-St. Nicholas comes with a chain and bells that he lashes about, along with a bundle of birch sticks meant to swat naughty children. He then hauls the bad kids down to the underworld."
What are the origins of this "Christmas Devil"? Krampus, whose name is derived from the German word krampen, meaning claw, is said to be the son of Hel in Norse mythology. The legendary beast also shares characteristics with other scary, demonic creatures in Greek mythology, including satyrs and fauns.
The legend is part of a centuries-old Christmas tradition in Germany, where Christmas celebrations begin in early December. Krampus was created as a counterpart to kindly St. Nicholas, who rewarded children with sweets. Krampus, in contrast, would swat "wicked" children and take them away to his lair." -national geographic
Although Krampus appears in many variations, most share some common physical characteristics. He is hairy, usually brown or black, and has the cloven hooves and horns of a goat. His long pointed tongue lolls out. Krampus carries chains, thought to symbolize the binding of the Devil by the Christian Church. He thrashes the chains for dramatic effect. The chains are sometimes accompanied with bells of various sizes. Of more pagan origins are the ruten, bundles of birch branches that Krampus carries and occasionally swats children with. The ruten have significance in pre-Christian pagan initiation rites. The birch branches are replaced with a whip in some representations. Sometimes Krampus appears with a sack or a washtub strapped to his back; this is to cart off evil children for drowning, eating, or transport to Hell.
The Feast of St. Nicholas is celebrated in parts of Europe on 6 December. In Alpine countries, Saint Nicholas has a devilish companion named Krampus. On the preceding evening, Krampus Night or Krampusnacht, the hairy devil appears on the streets. Sometimes accompanying St Nicholas and sometimes on his own, Krampus visits homes and businesses. The Saint usually appears in the Eastern Rite vestments of a bishop, and he carries a ceremonial staff. Unlike North American versions of Santa Claus, in these celebrations Saint Nicholas concerns himself only with the good children, while Krampus is responsible for the bad. Nicholas dispenses gifts, while Krampus supplies coal and the ruten bundles.
The Judgment - Naughty or Nice?
A Krampuslauf is a run of celebrants dressed as the beast, often fueled by alcohol. It is customary to offer a Krampus schnapps, a strong distilled fruit brandy. These runs may include perchten, similarly wild pagan spirits of Germanic folklore and sometimes female in representation, although the perchten are properly associated with the period between winter solstice and 6 January.
Woodcut of Krampus
Krampuskarten
Europeans have been exchanging greeting cards featuring Krampus since the 1800s. Sometimes introduced with Gruß vom Krampus (Greetings from the Krampus), the cards usually have humorous rhymes and poems. Krampus is often featured looming menacingly over children. He is also shown as having one human foot and one cloven hoof.
Vintage Krampus Greeting Cards:
In some, Krampus has sexual overtones; he is pictured pursuing buxom women. Over time, the representation of Krampus in the cards has changed; older versions have a more frightening Krampus, while modern versions have a cuter, more Cupid-like creature. Krampus has also adorned postcards and candy containers."
"In case you weren’t aware, Christmas is celebrated slightly differently all over the world, and with various offshoot characters in regards to the whole St. Nick deal. Case in point: the Krampus."
Listverse.com wraps up the Krampus concept, quite humorously: "Primarily derived from Germanic folklore, this demon is Santa’s right-hand man on Christmas Eve. He accompanies the fat man to all the children’s houses, where they put the kids on trial for their ability to obey their parents. If you’ve been a good little boy or girl, you get a lovely wooden horse or something. If you’ve been a prick, into Krampus’ bag you go, later to be devoured in his lair, which is located behind Dick Cheney’s house. Other translations have the beast just cutting out the middle man and taking you to hell, or beating the crap out of you with a bundle of birch branches."
Catwoman is a fictional character associated with DC Comics' Batman franchise. Historically a supervillainess, the character was created by Bob Kane and Bill Finger, partially inspired by Kane's cousin, Ruth Steel, as well as actress Jean Harlow.
Jean Harlow, wearing leopard
The original and most widely known Catwoman, Selina Kyle, first appears in Batman #1 (Spring 1940) in which she is known as The Cat. '
The First Appearance of "The Cat", 1940
She is usually depicted as an adversary of Batman, known for having a complex love-hate relationship with him. In her first appearance, she was a whip-carrying burglar with a taste for high-stake thefts.
For many years Catwoman thrived, but from September 1954 to November 1966 she took an extended hiatus due to the newly developing Comics Code Authority in 1954.
These issues involved the rules regarding the development and portrayal of female characters that were in violation of the Comics Code. Since the 1990s, Catwoman has been featured in an eponymous series that cast her as an anti-heroine classy cat burglar rather than a traditional villain. The character has been one of Batman's most enduring love interests.
A popular figure, Catwoman has been featured in most media adaptations related to Batman. Actresses Julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether and Eartha Kitt introduced her to a large audience on the 1960s Batman television series and the 1966 Batman motion picture. Michelle Pfeiffer portrayed the character in 1992's Batman Returns. Halle Berry starred in a stand-alone Catwoman film, 2004's Catwoman, which was a box-office flop, and bears little to no resemblance to the Batman character. Anne Hathaway portrayed Selina Kyle in the 2012 film The Dark Knight Rises.
Did you know.....
Selina Kyle is never referred to as Catwoman, instead being referred to only by her name, although she is referred to as "The Cat" in a newspaper. Bruce Wayne calls her a cat burglar, and Selina asks Daggett if a cat has his tongue as she pins him against a wall. Catwoman is only used in the film's novelization and merchandise.
Catwoman was ranked 11th on IGN's "Top 100 Comic Book Villains of All Time" list, and 51st on Wizard magazine's "100 Greatest Villains of All Time" list. Conversely, she was ranked 20th on IGN's "Top 100 Comic Book Heroes of All Time" list, as well as 23rd in Comics Buyer's Guide's "100 Sexiest Women in Comics" list.
From where did she originate?
Selina Kyle is Catwoman, a costumed adventurer who's been both super-hero and super-villain. Beginning her career as a thief and enemy to Batman, she later turned to crime-fighting and became part of the Batman Family. Despite her villainous nature, she works hard to protect the East End of Gotham City.
Background:
Selina Kyle's early life was defined by tragedy. When she was just a girl, her brutalized mother Maria committed suicide and her violent father Brian drank himself to death soon after.
Separated from her younger sister Maggie and remanded to the Sprang Hall Juvenile Detention Center, an abusive state home for orphaned or delinquent girls, she opted instead to take her chances on the streets of Gotham City.
Halle Berry starred as Catwoman in the 2004 American superhero film directed by Pitof Comar. The movie is often regarded as one of the worst films ever made.
Michelle Pfeiffer, in Tim Burton's Batman Returns (1992) - Purr-fection.
Eartha Kittstepped in after Julie Newmar left her role as Catwoman, in the television series, Batman in th 1960's. Kitt was the third actress to portray a live-action Catwoman, following Julie Newmar and Lee Meriwether.
Beautiful, talented and full of sarcasm... no one did it like Eartha....(January 17, 1927 – December 25, 2008)
On the silly side....
Hair-raising bomb - Destroys the hairdos of any women in the area.
Kitty Car - A green vehicle made to look like a cat.
Cat's whiskers - Thin ropes used to tie someone up, they contract when in contact with body heat.
Julie Newmar: The first Catwoman, Julie Newmar played Batman's crime-stopping partner in the original TV series. "With her false eyelashes and heavy, winged shadow, Julie was a prime example of the makeup trends of the '60s. Even her eyebrows had attitude."
Lee Meriwether:Meriwether portrayed Catwoman for the 1966 Batman movie, she also appeared in two episodes of the Batman TV series in 1967 as Lisa Carson, a love interest to Bruce Wayne in the episodes 'King Tut's Coup' & 'Batman's Waterloo', at the end of which she offered Bruce Wayne a nightcap of 'Milk & Cookies'.
Anne HathawayThe Cat is a name that world-class cat burglar and mistress of disguise Selina Kyle is known, in the film, The Dark Knight Rises. She’s cunning, devious, and cynical, but is in search of a fresh start in life. She targets Gotham’s wealthiest in her schemes. Her weapons usually include infrared goggles, bladed high-heel boots, and a belt filled with lock picks. She was portrayed by Anne Hathaway in The Dark Knight Rises.
