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Sunday, December 20, 2015

OMG! If Jesus were Born Today...

You all know the story of the birth of Jesus? 

 Screeeeeeeech!  Halt!  Stop! 

What if Jesus were born today?

And... What if he were born... 


 "American"?



The peaceful Nativity scene of which we celebrate and are familiar, would be much different, as over 2000 years have passed since that time.  

Let's take a humorous look at what Jesus may experience, had he been born in today's America.

First of all, yo, everybody just chill.


The new North Star
Mary and Joseph, would not walk 90 miles to their destination, yo.  They will hop in their SUV, yo, and map out the delivery location on the dashboard GPS, yo.  For entertainment, they will put in a DVD to watch for the trip, yo.  The star that they are following is the Satellite from which they gathered their GPS coordinates. 


Mary will have already stretched during yoga, and sipped a chia-fruit smoothie blended with Greek yogart, wheat grass and kale.  

Her freshly manicured fingernails will be sporting new baby blue colored tips.  

From her epic Coach bag, she will pull out her iphone, to text her family and friends that the time has come!  She is so excited, she is not exactly sure what emoji she will use!


Today, Mary will have a multitude of options for a natural birth, and she is considering all of the options...The Alexander Technique, the Bradley Method, Water Delivery, Lamaze or even hypnosis during labor for total relaxation....  

You may ask yourself, WWMD?  

What would Mary do?
Meanwhile...back at the ranch....



...Joseph, a cool dude and carpenter by trade, will be standing by wearing a heavy-duty tool belt made by DeWalt, with a titanium stiletto rip claw hammer hanging on a loop of one side, and the various pockets would be filled with a measuring tape, plumb-bob, screwdrivers, nails, pliers and only God knows what else. 



Since Jesus is being born in the United States, the lambs present at the original birth are now replaced by the ever popular Golden Labrador Retriever, with tongues a-hangin' and tails a-waggin'.



The angels you hear singing are Adele, Taylor Swift, Rhianna or Katy Perry pumped from portable MP3 speakers.  







Who would you choose to be the Wisemen?  

Stephen Hawking, Edward Witten, and Andrew Wiles, via Skype?

.... or perhaps some of you would prefer gentlemen like these?  What-ever, Dude.



The Shepard's will be at the ready, with their smart phones, ipads and Kindle's, to film the birth and then, share it on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.  

All of which will go viral on YouTube in a matter of moments.  

It will be tumbl'ed and pinned, snapped, chatted, emailed, 1'd and +'d.



Soon, thereafter, there will be an app for that, found in a cloud.  







Disclaimer: The above content is intended for entertainment, only and has no bearing on my own religion, faith or intention.