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Friday, February 7, 2014

Humorous Epitaphs

Here is a collection of funny epitaphs from real tombstones:

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
"The Good Die Young".

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
"Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go."

In a London, England cemetery:
"Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann."
Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
"The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna."

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
"Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising."

Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake."

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
"Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw."

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
"Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has many
qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted."

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
"Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange."

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
"I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours."

 Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
"Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More."

In a Georgia cemetery: 
"I told you I was sick!"

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
"Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny."

On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
"She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her.'

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
"On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune."

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
"Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go."

More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
"Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay."

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837 - Age 45 yrs"
"Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other."

On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
"Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God."

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:
'Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
'Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the
waydown.
It was.'

Effie Jean Robinson
1897-1922'
"'Come blooming youths, as you pass by ,
And on these lines do cast an eye.
As you are now, so once was I;
As I am now, so must you be;
Prepare for death and follow me."
[Which is not funny at all. 
But underneath, someone had added]:
"To follow you
I am not content,
How do I know
Which way you went."

Colorado:
Bill Blake
"Was hanged by mistake."

Boot Hill Cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona:
"He was young
He was fair
But the Injuns
Raised his hair"


Silver City, Nevada:
"Here lies a man named Zeke.
Second fastest draw in Cripple Creek."


Toothless Nell  (Alice Chambers)"
"Killed 1876 in a Dance Hall brawl.
Her last words: "Circumstances led me to this end."


Boot Hill Museum, Dodge City, Kansas:
"Here lies the body of  Arkansas Jim.
We made the mistake, But the joke's on him."

Culver City, CO:
"He called
Bill Smith
A Liar"


On the grave of a woman who died in 1984.  Colorado Springs, Colorado. Her son, owner of Zeezo's Magic Castle in Colorado Springs, stated that his mother had been married to a Texan who is buried in Texas.
"I would
rather be here
than in Texas."

 James B. McCoy left a message on his 1899 tombstone proclaiming his independence from the United States Government.
Member Co. D 17th Iowa Inf. which mustered in 1165 men and mustered out 42. Participated in 19 battles and 3 sieges. "Never Applied For A Pension."  Salida, Colorado

"On a hanged man
Rab McBeth
Who died for the want
of another breath."
1791-1823

 Larne, Ireland:
"Here lies the body of
Thomas Kemp.
Who lived by wool
and died by hemp."

Bletchley, Bucks, England
Winterborn Steepleton Cemetery, Dorsetshire, England:
"Here lies the body
Of Margaret Bent
She kicked up her heels
And away she went."

"Here lies old Rastus Sominy
Died a-eating hominy
In 1859 anno domini"

Savannah, Georgia:
"He got a fish-bone in his throat
and then he sang an angel note."

Schenectady, New York:
"She was not smart, she was not fair,
But hearts with grief for her are swellin';
All empty stands her little chair:
She died of eatin' water-mellon."

In a New Jersey cemetery,
Rebecca Freeland 1741:
"She drank good ale,
good punch and wine
And lived to the age of 99."

"Beneath this stone, a lump of clay,
Lies stingy Jimmy Wyatt.
Who died one morning just at ten
And saved a dinner by it."

Falkirk, England 1690:
"Here lie the bones of Joseph Jones
Who ate while he was able.
But once overfed, he dropt down dead
And fell beneath the table.
When from the tomb, to meet his doom,
He arises amidst sinners.
Since he must dwell in heaven or hell,
Take him - whichever gives the best dinners."


"Here lies Johnny Cole.
Who died upon my soul
After eating a plentiful dinner.
While chewing his crust
He was turned into dust
With his crimes undigested - poor sinner. "


Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
"Here lies cut down like unripe fruit,
The wife of Deacon Amos Shute:
She died of drinking too much coffee,
Anny Dominy -- eighteen-forty."


Roxbury, Connecticut:
"Eliza, Sorrowing
Rears This Marble Slab
To Her Dear John
Who Died of Eating Crab.
Crouton"

On a Farmer's Daughter, Letitia:
"Grim Death
To Please His Palate
Has Taken My Lettice
To Put in His Sallat."

Ipswich, England,
On a grave digger:
"Hooray my brave boys
Lets rejoice at his fall.
For if he had lived
He would have buried us all."

Kingsbridge, England 
Robert Phillip, gravedigger:
"Here I lie at the Chancel door;
Here lie I because I am poor;
The farther in the more you pay;
Here I lie as warm as they."


West Grimstead, Sussex, England
 On a coroner who hung himself:
"He lived
And died
By suicide"



On Ezekiel Pease:
"Pease is not here,
Only his pod
He shelled out his Peas
And went to his God"

Nantucket, Massachusetts, Coal-miner:
"Gone Underground For Good"

On an Architect:
"Here lies Robert Trollope
Who made yon stones roll up.
When death took his soul up
His body filled this hole up."


On an attorney:
Goembel
John E.  1867-1946
"The defense rests"


Edinburgh, Scotland, a dentist:
"Stranger tread
This ground with gravity.
Dentist Brown
Is filling his last cavity."



On a brewer:
"G. Winch, the brewer, lies buried here.
In life he was both hale and stout.
Death brought him to his bitter bier.
Now in heaven he hops about."

A Painter:
"A Finished Artist"


An Auctioneer:
Jedediah Goodwin
"Auctioneer
Born 1828
Going!
Going!!
Gone!!!"

1876, New Shoreham, Rhode Island, a fisherman:
Captain Thomas Coffin
Died 1842, age 50 years.
"He's done a-catching cod
And gone to meet his God."



April 10, 1902, a waiter:
"Here lies the body of
Detlof Swenson.
Waiter.
God finally caught his eye."



An Author:
"He Has Written Finis"


Elkhart, Indiana,  A teacher:
"Professor S. B. McCracken
School is out
Teacher
Has gone home."



On John Penny:
"Reader if cash thou are
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny."

Wimborne, England
Epitaph on a huge boulder on the grave of a doctor:
William P. Rothwell, M.D.
1866-1939
"This is on me. L"

Oak Grove Cemetery, Pawtucket, Rhode Island, a watchmaker:

"Here lies in horizontal position the outside case of Dear George Routleight, watchmaker, whose abilities in that line were an honor to his profession -- integrity was the mainspring, and prudence the regulator of all the actions of his life. Humane, generous, and liberal, his hand never stopped until he had relieved distress. So nicely regulated were all his movements that he never went wrong, except when set agoing by people who did not know his key; even then he was easily set right again. He had the art of disposing his time so well that the hours glided away in one continued round of pleasure and delight, till an unlucky moment put a period to his existence. He departed this life November 14, 1802, aged fifty-seven. Wound up in hopes of being taken in hand by his Maker and being thoroughly cleansed, repaired, and set agoing in the world to come."  


St Petrock's Church, Lyford, Devon, England,  a gardener:
"To the Green Memory of
William Hawkings
Gardener:
Planted Here
With Love and Care
By His
Grieving Colleagues"


On a traveling salesman:
"My Trip is Ended:
Send My Samples Home"



A housewife:
"Mary Weary, Housewife
Dere Friends I am going
Where washing ain't done
Or cooking or sewing:
Don't mourn for me now
Or weep for me never:
For I go to do nothing
Forever and ever!"


Belchertown:
"Here lies the body
of John Round.
Lost at sea
and never found."


An 'old maid':
"Beneath his silent stone is laid
A noisy, antiquated maid,
Who from her cradle talked to death,
And never before was out of breath.
Here lies, returned to clay
Miss Arabella Young,
Who on the eleventh day of May
Began to hold her tongue."
1794-1863


A spinster postmistress:
"Returned--Unopened"


In a North Carolina cemetery:
"Here lies the father of 29.
He would have had more
But he didn't have time."


Moultrie, Georgia:
"Here lies the body of Elred.
At least he will be when he is dead.
But now at this time he's still alive,
14th August '65."
Oxford, England. (Elred eventually made it.)


"Owen Moore
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay."
Battersea, London, England


She lived with her husband for 50 years
And died in the confident hope of a better life."
Burlington, Vermont


Dear Sister:
"Here lies the body of Mary Ford.
We hope her soul is with the Lord.
But if for hell she's changed this life,
Better live there than as J. Ford's wife."


"Grieve not for me my husband dear.
I am not dead but sleeping here.
With patience wait - perforce to die
And in a short time you'll come to I.
And the husband added:
I am not grieved, my dearest life.
Sleep on, I've got another wife.
Therefore, I cannot come to thee
For I must go and live with she."


"I plant these shrubs upon your grave dear wife
That something on this spot may boast of life.
Shrubs must wither and all earth must rot.
Shrubs may revive, but you thank heaven will not."

  
1796 -- WISE -- 1878
"Here lies the body of Ephraim Wise.
Safely tucked between his two wives.
One was Tillie and the other Sue.
Both were faithful, loyal, and true.
By his request in ground that's hilly
His coffin is set tilted toward Tillie."


"Here beneath this stone we lie
Back to back my wife and I
And when the angels trump shall trill
If she gets up then I'll lie still!"


Barlinine Cemetery, Glasgow, Scotland:
"Here lies
Elizabeth,
my wife for 47 years,
and this is the first damn thing
she ever done to oblige me."


Streatham Churchyard, England:
"They abounded in riches
But she wore the britches ..."


Essex, England:
On an adulterous husband:
"Gone, but not forgiven"


"I put my wife beneath this stone
For her repose and for my own."
Middlebury, Vermont


"This stone was raised by Sara's Lord
Not Sara's virtues to record
For they are known to all the town.
This stone was raised to keep her down."
Kilmurry Churchyard, Ireland



"Here lies the body of poor Aunt Charlotte.
Born a virgin, died a harlot.
For 16 years she kept her virginity
A damn'd long time for this vicinity."


Death Valley, California:
"Here lies Pa.
Pa liked wimin.
Ma caught Pa in with two swimmin.
Here lies Pa."


A stone erected in memory of Brigham Young:
Brigham Young
Born on this spot 1801
"A man of much courage and superb equipment."


Whitingham, Vermont
"Here lies
an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go."


Vancouver, Washington: 
Mary Lefavour died 1797 aged 74 years:
"Reader pass on and ne'er waste your time
On bad biography and bitter rhyme.
For what I am this cumb'rous clay insures,
And what I was, is no affair of yours."


Topsfield, Massachusetts: 
"I was somebody.
Who, is no business
of yours."


Stowe, Vermont:
"Here lies the body of
Jane Gordon
With mouth almighty
and teeth accordin!"


Marblehead, Massachusetts:
"Cold is my bed, but oh, I love it,
For colder are my friends above it."


Calvary Cemetery, Chicago, Illinois:
"Here lies a man who while he lived
Was happy as a linnet.
He always lied while on the earth
And now he's lying in it."


On the four husbands of Ivy Saunders:
"Here lies my husbands 1 - 2 - 3
As still as men could ever be.
As for the fourth: Praise be to God
He still abides above the sod
Abel, Seth and Leidy were the first 3 names
and to make things tidy I'll add his - James."


On a miser who wanted to save money:
"Thorp's Corpse."
When his wife died, the wording was changed to:
"Here lieth Thorpses Corpses."


"The dust of
Melantha Gribbling
Swept up at last
by the Great Housekeeper"



Woodville, England,  a hypochondriac's grave:
"See. I told you
I was SICK!"


Littleton, Colorado" 
Surnames caused rhyming problems for the stonecutter.
"Here beneath this pile of stones
Lies all thats left of Sally Jones.
Her name was Smith, not Jones,
But Jones was used to rhyme with stones."


"Here lie the remains of
Thomas Woodhen.
The most amiable of husbands
And excellent of men.
His real name was Woodcock
But it wouldn't come in rhyme."



"Beneath this stone a lump of clay
Lies Uncle Peter Dan'els
Who early in the month of May
Took off his winter flannels."


"Reader, I've left this world, in which
I had a world to do;
Sweating and fretting to get rich:
Just such a fool as you."


"Here lies the body of Mary Ann Lowder
She burst while drinking a Seidlitz powder.
Called from this world to her heavenly rest,
She should have waited till it effervesced."


"In memory of
Richard Fothergill
Who met vierlent death near this spot
18 hundred and 40 too.
He was shot by
his own pistill.
It was not one of the
new kind;
But an old fashioned brass barrell
Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven."


On Joseph Crapp:
"His foot is slipt
and he did fall.
"Help; Help" he cried
and that was all."


 "Dinah had a little can
'Twas filled with kerosine
And soon among the twinkling stars
Dynamite Benzine."


"Here lies old Aunt Hannah Proctor
Who purged but didn't call the Doctor:
She couldn't stay, She had to go
Praise God from whom all blessings flow."


Here Lies Jane Smith, Wife of Thomas Smith - a marble cutter:
"This Monument Erected
By Her Husband
As A Tribute
To Her Memory.
Monuments of this style
are 250 Dollars."


Annapolis, MN: 
"Sacred To The Remains of
Jonathan Thompson
A Pious Christian and
Affectionate Husband.
His disconsolate widow
Continues to carry on
His grocery business
At the old stand on
Main Street: Cheapest
and best prices in town."


Cleveland, Ohio:  Arthur C. Homan's epitaph:
"Once I wasn't
Then I was
Now I ain't again."



"Here lies Ned.
There is nothing more to be said--
Because we like to speak well of the dead.
I came into this world
Without my consent
And left in the same manner."
- Chattanooga, Tennessee



Thomas Stagg's epitaph:
"That is all"
St. Giles Churchyard, London, England